How To Do Your Taxes in 20 Easy Steps

(Note:  these instructions pre-suppose that you have cookies in the house.  If you don’t (and I don’t believe you!), either go to the kitchen and make some, or go to the store and buy some—your choice.)

1. Bring the bag of everything financial from last year downstairs to do it in front of the tv and the fireplace -- it’s much nicer that way.  Get something to drink, because taxes are thirsty work, and maybe you should have a cookie to go with that drink. 

2. Look out the window.  That cookie was good, perhaps another is in order…

3. Look in the bag, think "didn't I swear I was going to be organized last year and that this year was going to be different?"

4. Dump bag on table, set little pieces of paper (aka “receipts”) aside.  Put big pieces (bills, etc) into stacks by company. Organize stacks.  Wonder how recipe for ice cream, now-expired coupon for goat cheese and password for college alumni website ended up in the bag.  Wonder where a couple of missing credit card statements are, hope there's nothing important on them. Occasionally curse bank of your choice for charging high credit card rates, or whatever weasel-like behavior they’ve been exhibiting.

5. Look out the window again.  Go to store to buy finch socks because the poor little birdies out there have nothing to eat.

6. Come home and put up finch socks and some suet for good measure.  If the birds are going to eat, you may as well have a cookie, too.

7. Look at pile of receipts and other assorted tiny pieces of paper.  Think, "I =know= I said last year that I was going to be more organized and that this year would be different.  Next year =WILL= be different. Maybe I'll get Quicken."  Go to kitchen and look at cookies, but it’s awfully close to dinner—maybe just a half of one.

8. Go online to price Quicken.  Check out Facebook to make sure you're not missing out on anything important. Is it your turn to play in one of the online Scrabble games?  Heaven forfend that anyone should wait.  Weren’t you going to upload some pictures??

9. Time for dinner.  Make it, eat it, clean up.

10.  Watch tv, sort receipts and tiny pieces of paper during the commercials.

11. Organize everything in neat little piles on the table. Check Facebook, make your online-Scrabble move if it’s your turn again, watch more tv, occasionally glance at piles on table.  Have one more cookie.

12. Go to bed because you're tired and you don't want to make any mathematical mistakes, which in this state you will, of course, because you're tired.

13. Get up. Look at pieces of paper on table. Think that you need a good fortifying breakfast to tackle it, so make eggs.

14. Wash dishes. God forbid you attract a bug while you're doing your taxes.

15. Is that a spider on the ceiling?

16. Shower.  You don't want to smell.  And get dressed, because what if a neighbor looked in the window and saw you doing your taxes in a towel--what would people think?  Besides, it's cold.  Holy cow, how long has that laundry been sitting there?  Fold socks and underwear and put in neat little piles.  Go back downstairs, because it's really time you began to sit down and...Ooh, cookies!

17. Do anything else you can possibly think of to procrastinate until you finally cannot stand it any longer and you know it has to be done before you see the accountant in the morning, so buckle down, add everything up and write down the totals on the form he sent you.  Eat a cookie.

18. Look for missing credit card statements. Wonder how you could have possibly been so disorganized all last year and wonder what the hell your life is coming to. Eat a cookie.

19. Find a box to put everything in and write the year on the outside of it, in thick marker. Make sure to get every side, because you know you'll put the side you've written on against the wall and then hell, you'll never know where anything is ever again.  NEXT YEAR WILL BE DIFFERENT.  Eat a cookie.

20. Take everything to the accountant, discuss very important matters (cookies, unfortunately are not deductible, despite being an essential part of the tax-preparation process), let their office type everything up, review it when it’s ready, and sign and submit it.  Pay or collect refund as directed.

NEXT YEAR WILL BE DIFFERENT, BY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!   Eat a cookie.